BLAME GAME: DIVORCE IN THE 21ST CENTURY- MOTHERS OR NEW GENERATION WIVES?

Like many of you already know, the 17 month old marriage of  actress Tonto Dikeh has packed up and as each day passes, new reports emerge on the real reason behind the crash of the once believed ideal relationship that I admit made me lash out at my man once or twice.  

Asides reports that her millionaire husband, Olakunle Churchill was frolicking with his skinny actress PA, fresh reports released by popular blogger Stella Dimoko Korkus claim that the actress left her home because she was physically abused by her philanthropist husband.

Before you judge me, I am not about to condemn the actress for doing what she felt was best for their young child especially as I have experienced the humiliation of domestic violence and if I ever found myself in her shoes, I'd run ten times over. The crux of this article actually bothers on the reasons for the high rate of divorce in our times. Who takes the larger blame, our mothers or our inability to exercise  the saintly virtue of marital bliss- Patience.

This brings to mind a conversation I had with my mom a few years ago. I asked her how she managed with my dad for nearly 20 years and even when an opportunity was placed on her lap to enjoy some peace in the arms of another man, she vehemently chose suffering and agony. My mom replied "Da, when people come to marry you and your sister, nobody would say a word if they hear that your daddy was never a father but they will look at you twice if they found out that your mother chose the arms of another man. They would not care IF your father was a beast, they will care that your mother did not endure. They would say you will be just like your mother, forgetting that you have just as much as your father in you as you have of me. I m enduring for you and your sister".

You see, every mother would tell their daughter that patience is the key to a successful marriage because that was what their mothers told them. Patience for them meant taking a few slaps when the king of the yard felt like slapping someone around. Patience meant turning the other eye when the King felt like sharing his, no make that HER LEGAL PROPERTY to the next pretty girl in sight. Patience meant waiting till he was old and bedridden with prostate cancer or partial stroke so that she can travel the world to be with her children each time they call for Omugwo. Patience to them was a long and painful journey that remains unsuitable for 21st century woman.

In these times of serious peril, I for one know that I don't want to add to my problems by being stuck in a prison of pain, humiliation and anger with only the hope of old age and death to keep me warm at night but my views automatically disqualify me especially for sons raised by the above mentioned mothers. This is because they spend so much time telling their daughters lies, leaving their sons to emulate their fathers. You see the son would grow with the impression that his wife's body is his belonging and his body solely his business to do with as he pleases.

 A friend once shared after I told him that I saw the husband of a popular female figure at an Abuja club messing around with some little girls, "As long as the man provides for his family, it's nobody's business if he cheats. There is nothing wrong with it".  This is exactly the problem.

90 percent of the longest marriages lasted that long because the women were strong or perhaps foolish enough to patch up while the 10 percent was for true and mutual respect. I want  to be the kind of woman that patches up despite being born in this century after all, that is God's directive but I can only be that for the kind of man who understands that he cannot decide to tear down a house because he knows he has an in house builder. The kind of man that is ideal is the one who wants no less than he gives. 

I insist that our mothers have failed us. They are the cause of the marital woes of the 21st century. They have dropped horrible examples of what an ideal marriage should be and now, wanting to go contrary to the status quo would make you the outcast. If you doubt me, ask any child who grew up in a home where violence both emotional and physical was the deal and they would tell you that they never want to relive their experience but then again, it is different for the girl child and the male child.  The male child would in future, find himself emulating the aggression of his father while the girl would constantly be on the defensive, not wanting to let her guard down or find herself in an abusive relationship.  How then do you expect children whose realities were twisted from the start to maintain a perfect relationship?It would only takes the will of God and the right spouse to pull a marriage off. 

Note that the only exception  to the above rule are girls brought up in communities where female battery is a norm, so they tell themselves that a man's show of love is his ability to knock them around. This is however, gist for another day.

"WHICH WAY NIGERIA"? ANALYSING THE FOLLY OF THE COMMON NAIJA MAN THROUGH THE EYES OF THE ONE-EYED BLIND (WO) MAN

I have mixed feelings about the current situation of our beloved country, Nigeria. I have gone from rage, disappointment, frustration to semi lunacy and finally this indifference that leaves a stale taste in my mouth.

I desperately wanted to believe I was not alone in my madness and for a moment, I thought that perhaps, the people with the widely reached platforms had let down the folly of fame, let the fog of uselessness clear from their sights long enough to see that they were needed to do more than disturb our eardrums with the cacophony they christen "entertainment".

Being a fervent believer in revolution as the only solution to change, I admit that I trusted that Nigeria's celebrated pop star, 2Baba Idibia was genuinely moved by this Buhari led Hell-ocracy at least enough to use his voice to rally attention. 

Unfortunately, we all watched as the last thread of trust was dashed when the singer announced his withdrawal from the protest at the dying minute. Thankfully, some well meaning Nigerians disregarded the dent in their armor and went out to protest. However, this is what I have learnt from the 2Baba saga and what has propelled my feeling of helplessness towards this area of the Niger.

Nigerians are headless chickens, running around in circles to the beat of death! If we are not, I simply do not understand why a sect of people will mobilize fellow idiots for N1000 each and call themselves Pro-Buhari supporters. If I must ask, are these ones selling their pottage to people who have yanked large portions and overfed their generations? Was the protest about liking the personality of Buhari or the fact that day by day, this country sinks to a new depth of lowness? I must add that the protesters were not even paid for their trouble. 

I also wonder how the aged can be more passionate about the betterment of Nigeria, much more than the youth. Where did all those twitter bandits go to? The ones who brought Twitter down on Mr Eazi for simply stating his mind. Why were they silent yesterday of all days?  

2Baba thank you for the noble course that you decided to spearhead. Sadly, I and a host of other Nigerians are very disappointed. Not because you were probably bullied into withdrawing from the protests but because you did not prepare yourself fully before embarking on such a mighty task. You did not weigh the pros and cons, making me wonder if this was not another brainchild of your right hand man.

 If you checked history, you would have realized that not one harbinger of change or martyr achieved his desire from wearing pretty sun glasses, sitting behind a camera and giving plenty pep talk!

This calls me to remember some of the heroes of this great country. I fondly choose to remember the late Gani Fawehinmi who protested against the military government earning him such titles as the "sphygmomanometer with which the blood pressure of dictators is gauged", "the veritable conscience of the nation and the champion of the interests and causes of the masses". 

Do we call upon the spirit of Fela who was fearless in his attack of the government even the then Buhari administration?

On the side, how can Buhari even say his administration is focused on eradicating corruption when his allies consist of doctorate degree holding thieves, liars recycled from the umbrella of corruption. Hold on, it appears cross carpeting is the new baptism! Once PDP but now old things have passed away alas! All things have become new... My left yansh! 

2Baba, your idea was noble but you did not plan for the storm. I appreciate the try but this has put a dent on your already spotty image. I don't even want to recall those empty barrels that rushed to declare support but ran off to London and Ghana to mind their businesses.

Once again, Tinubu and Femi Adesina have employed us to give the ailing president one more year and see if he would finally make a move that would not be blaming the previous regime or casting Nigeria to its ruins by the day. We will wait after all we are a bunch of hopeful people. It does not matter that their children get the very best of education, live lavish and solidify leadership bonds while ours count figures in the sand and eat the leftovers from their table. 

We will remain hopeful even as the lies they told that we are the leaders of tomorrow stares us in the face as we see the ones who promised continue to patch themselves instead of stepping aside. Yes we are hopeful but one thing is clear, no man who loves his sanity will carry Nigeria on his head.

I end with the words of the great Gani Fawehinmi "I'm not surprised at this result, I'm saddened, not surprised. This government will do anything to keep its power by deceiving the people"

PT 2: When 'On Becoming' Becomes Unbecoming...

Do you remember I mentioned a genre of drama? Well on a closer inspection, all I see is a theatrical washing of dirty linens. The aim is to prove that she is on her healing path but this book only proves she is quite bitter and is yet to get over her hurt. Why do I think so?

PT 1: When 'On Becoming' Becomes Unbecoming...

I remain true to my views on feminism as a concept so I am left bewildered when people who hardly understand its tenets cook up convenient ideologies. What makes it so difficult to understand? I am honestly open to questions on my personal Facebook page as well as the blog page.

Back to the issue on ground. If you have been following the news trends then the above title comes as no surprise. Media sweetheart, Toke Makinwa released what many have described as a 'Tell it all' book although she claims it is a 'Must Tell' book.

I am a writer and in my moment of truth, hoping that this is one, I have not left the first page of a novel I started over six months ago so for a lady who many have cursed out for faking an accent and attending every event in Lagos, I am proud that she can achieve such a feat. So proud that I'd willingly spare some cash to own a copy. 

Oh yea I want a copy but not because I agree with its content but because I want to confirm if my opinion, the same opinion I am about to share is based on fact or the need to be critical. 

As the informed well know, last week, Toke Makinwa granted Bella Naija permission to release controversial excerpts from the book before it was officially launched and this week  people who rushed to grab copies off the shelf have revealed more scandalous excerpts. From the excerpts and people's first-hand opinion, many including yours sincerely made our judgment on the entire point of the book.

I admit the first time I read excerpts from On Becoming, I felt pathos; a feeling of deep pity, purgation elicited from the suffering of a tragic character; a significant feature of Greek tragedy. 

No jokes, thousands of women have gone through and are still going through this situation in the folly of wanting to maintain the illusion of having a man to call their own. Women have done much more than bleach their skin and consciously accept to constantly be in competition for a man's affection. You can ask Annie Idibia, Sandra Okagbue and every other celebrity girlfriend. But knowing you can't get access into their lives, feel free to ask me. I won't lie, I have once, maybe twice been in a not so serious shoe. Although it is what I call a lover's curse, we can't deny it.  

To be Contnd...

PT 2: Am I Not Attractive? Why Don't I Have Chykers?

If you missed it, here is an excerpt :


"You know when shit got real? When everyone around me began talking about what this chyker got them and what the other one promised to get them. Something had to be wrong with me. Cars didn't stop to offer me  rides, guys didn't beg to take me for lunch or promise to fund my fun time.  To make matters worse, my sister's leftovers kept telling me how they should have asked me out instead. No guy used DJ KHALED's voice to offer me money "To spend for no reason". I hated and still hate to beg so my broke states were usually so long lasting" . 

At the start of this year, I learnt something valuable. Something I saw as an inadequacy was actually a gift from God.  I learnt most importantly that being attractive is not all a woman needs to be successful. Ladies, you do not need a thousand and one guys to convince you that you are attractive, all you need is one guy who believes the sun rises and sets on your face. You see I finally got my host of chyking bees. They came in their gadzillions bearing gifts and lofty promises.

Pause! Why increase your body count for things that you can afford on your own?  Towards the end of this year, I was challenged with a huge trial that all the male chykers that I had in abundance couldn't solve. Why? Because I never asked and the ones I asked, I chose loans.

Although the title of my epistle makes you feel I have a problem, actually I once felt like I had a problem but the truth is my list was never scanty, just filled with 80 percent idiots who hoped that one day, the booty would slide in their direction. The dedicated ones offered juicy packages that would have seen me cruising in all expense paid trips outside this humiliating country but I can boldly shout that although the conditions were not exactly exciting, I am very proud of my achievements in 2016.  

Lady! Stop giving relevance to men who make shallow promises just to slide in only to rush off to be with the women they have cursed before you to prove a point. Do not waste your time trying to be or look like other girls, be the girl they all want to look up to. 

Lady, yes you, drop that dream that one day, a tinted Range Rover Evogue will park outside your house and remove your parents from penury. The truth O' Clock is the rich are marrying the rich and sleeping with the poor while that "Ultimate man" kinda guy is looking for some rich man's daughter to knock up and wife. Wake up and hustle now! Better be a priced possession than a sperm container. 

PEACE 🙏🙏🙏🙏