BLAME GAME: DIVORCE IN THE 21ST CENTURY- MOTHERS OR NEW GENERATION WIVES?

Like many of you already know, the 17 month old marriage of  actress Tonto Dikeh has packed up and as each day passes, new reports emerge on the real reason behind the crash of the once believed ideal relationship that I admit made me lash out at my man once or twice.  

Asides reports that her millionaire husband, Olakunle Churchill was frolicking with his skinny actress PA, fresh reports released by popular blogger Stella Dimoko Korkus claim that the actress left her home because she was physically abused by her philanthropist husband.

Before you judge me, I am not about to condemn the actress for doing what she felt was best for their young child especially as I have experienced the humiliation of domestic violence and if I ever found myself in her shoes, I'd run ten times over. The crux of this article actually bothers on the reasons for the high rate of divorce in our times. Who takes the larger blame, our mothers or our inability to exercise  the saintly virtue of marital bliss- Patience.

This brings to mind a conversation I had with my mom a few years ago. I asked her how she managed with my dad for nearly 20 years and even when an opportunity was placed on her lap to enjoy some peace in the arms of another man, she vehemently chose suffering and agony. My mom replied "Da, when people come to marry you and your sister, nobody would say a word if they hear that your daddy was never a father but they will look at you twice if they found out that your mother chose the arms of another man. They would not care IF your father was a beast, they will care that your mother did not endure. They would say you will be just like your mother, forgetting that you have just as much as your father in you as you have of me. I m enduring for you and your sister".

You see, every mother would tell their daughter that patience is the key to a successful marriage because that was what their mothers told them. Patience for them meant taking a few slaps when the king of the yard felt like slapping someone around. Patience meant turning the other eye when the King felt like sharing his, no make that HER LEGAL PROPERTY to the next pretty girl in sight. Patience meant waiting till he was old and bedridden with prostate cancer or partial stroke so that she can travel the world to be with her children each time they call for Omugwo. Patience to them was a long and painful journey that remains unsuitable for 21st century woman.

In these times of serious peril, I for one know that I don't want to add to my problems by being stuck in a prison of pain, humiliation and anger with only the hope of old age and death to keep me warm at night but my views automatically disqualify me especially for sons raised by the above mentioned mothers. This is because they spend so much time telling their daughters lies, leaving their sons to emulate their fathers. You see the son would grow with the impression that his wife's body is his belonging and his body solely his business to do with as he pleases.

 A friend once shared after I told him that I saw the husband of a popular female figure at an Abuja club messing around with some little girls, "As long as the man provides for his family, it's nobody's business if he cheats. There is nothing wrong with it".  This is exactly the problem.

90 percent of the longest marriages lasted that long because the women were strong or perhaps foolish enough to patch up while the 10 percent was for true and mutual respect. I want  to be the kind of woman that patches up despite being born in this century after all, that is God's directive but I can only be that for the kind of man who understands that he cannot decide to tear down a house because he knows he has an in house builder. The kind of man that is ideal is the one who wants no less than he gives. 

I insist that our mothers have failed us. They are the cause of the marital woes of the 21st century. They have dropped horrible examples of what an ideal marriage should be and now, wanting to go contrary to the status quo would make you the outcast. If you doubt me, ask any child who grew up in a home where violence both emotional and physical was the deal and they would tell you that they never want to relive their experience but then again, it is different for the girl child and the male child.  The male child would in future, find himself emulating the aggression of his father while the girl would constantly be on the defensive, not wanting to let her guard down or find herself in an abusive relationship.  How then do you expect children whose realities were twisted from the start to maintain a perfect relationship?It would only takes the will of God and the right spouse to pull a marriage off. 

Note that the only exception  to the above rule are girls brought up in communities where female battery is a norm, so they tell themselves that a man's show of love is his ability to knock them around. This is however, gist for another day.