Like many of you already know, the 17 month old
marriage of actress Tonto Dikeh has
packed up and as each day passes, new reports emerge on the real reason behind
the crash of the once believed ideal relationship that I admit made me lash out
at my man once or twice.
Asides reports
that her millionaire husband, Olakunle Churchill was frolicking with his skinny
actress PA, fresh reports released by popular blogger Stella Dimoko Korkus
claim that the actress left her home because she was physically abused by her
philanthropist husband.
Before you judge me, I am not about to condemn
the actress for doing what she felt was best for their young child especially
as I have experienced the humiliation of domestic violence and if I ever found
myself in her shoes, I'd run ten times over. The crux of this article actually
bothers on the reasons for the high rate of divorce in our times. Who takes the
larger blame, our mothers or our inability to exercise the saintly virtue of marital bliss- Patience.
This brings to mind a conversation I had with my
mom a few years ago. I asked her how she managed with my dad for nearly 20
years and even when an opportunity was placed on her lap to enjoy some peace in
the arms of another man, she vehemently chose suffering and agony. My mom
replied "Da, when people come to marry you and your sister, nobody would
say a word if they hear that your daddy was never a father but they will look
at you twice if they found out that your mother chose the arms of another man.
They would not care IF your father was a beast, they will care that your mother
did not endure. They would say you will be just like your mother, forgetting
that you have just as much as your father in you as you have of me. I m
enduring for you and your sister".
You see, every mother would tell their daughter
that patience is the key to a successful marriage because that was what their mothers
told them. Patience for them meant taking a few slaps when the king of the yard
felt like slapping someone around. Patience meant turning the other eye when
the King felt like sharing his, no make that HER LEGAL PROPERTY to
the next pretty girl in sight. Patience meant waiting till he was old and
bedridden with prostate cancer or partial stroke so that she can travel the
world to be with her children each time they call for Omugwo. Patience to them was a
long and painful journey that remains unsuitable for 21st century woman.
In these times of serious peril, I for one know that I don't want to add to my problems by being stuck in a prison of pain, humiliation and anger with only the hope of old age and death to keep me warm at night but my views automatically
disqualify me especially for sons raised by the above mentioned mothers. This is because
they spend so much time telling their daughters lies, leaving their sons to
emulate their fathers. You see the son
would grow with the impression that his wife's body is his belonging and his body solely his business to do with as he pleases.
A friend once
shared after I told him that I saw the husband of a popular female figure at an
Abuja club messing around with some little girls, "As long as the man
provides for his family, it's nobody's business if he cheats. There is nothing
wrong with it". This is exactly the
problem.
90 percent of the longest marriages lasted that
long because the women were strong or perhaps foolish enough to patch up while the 10 percent was for true and mutual respect. I
want to be the kind of woman that patches up despite
being born in this century after all, that is God's directive but I can only be
that for the kind of man who understands that he cannot decide to tear down a
house because he knows he has an in house builder. The kind of man that is
ideal is the one who wants no less than he gives.
I insist that our mothers have failed us. They
are the cause of the marital woes of the 21st century. They have dropped
horrible examples of what an ideal marriage should be and now, wanting to go
contrary to the status quo would make you the outcast. If you doubt me, ask any
child who grew up in a home where violence both emotional and physical was the
deal and they would tell you that they never want to relive their experience
but then again, it is different for the girl child and the male child. The male child would in future, find himself emulating the aggression of his father while the
girl would constantly be on the defensive, not wanting to let her guard down or
find herself in an abusive relationship. How then do
you expect children whose realities were twisted from the start to maintain a
perfect relationship?It would only takes the will of God and the right spouse to
pull a marriage off.
Note that the only exception to the above rule are girls brought up in
communities where female battery is a norm, so they tell themselves that a
man's show of love is his ability to knock them around. This is however, gist
for another day.
