PT 2: Am I Not Attractive? Why Don't I Have Chykers?

If you missed it, here is an excerpt :


"You know when shit got real? When everyone around me began talking about what this chyker got them and what the other one promised to get them. Something had to be wrong with me. Cars didn't stop to offer me  rides, guys didn't beg to take me for lunch or promise to fund my fun time.  To make matters worse, my sister's leftovers kept telling me how they should have asked me out instead. No guy used DJ KHALED's voice to offer me money "To spend for no reason". I hated and still hate to beg so my broke states were usually so long lasting" . 

At the start of this year, I learnt something valuable. Something I saw as an inadequacy was actually a gift from God.  I learnt most importantly that being attractive is not all a woman needs to be successful. Ladies, you do not need a thousand and one guys to convince you that you are attractive, all you need is one guy who believes the sun rises and sets on your face. You see I finally got my host of chyking bees. They came in their gadzillions bearing gifts and lofty promises.

Pause! Why increase your body count for things that you can afford on your own?  Towards the end of this year, I was challenged with a huge trial that all the male chykers that I had in abundance couldn't solve. Why? Because I never asked and the ones I asked, I chose loans.

Although the title of my epistle makes you feel I have a problem, actually I once felt like I had a problem but the truth is my list was never scanty, just filled with 80 percent idiots who hoped that one day, the booty would slide in their direction. The dedicated ones offered juicy packages that would have seen me cruising in all expense paid trips outside this humiliating country but I can boldly shout that although the conditions were not exactly exciting, I am very proud of my achievements in 2016.  

Lady! Stop giving relevance to men who make shallow promises just to slide in only to rush off to be with the women they have cursed before you to prove a point. Do not waste your time trying to be or look like other girls, be the girl they all want to look up to. 

Lady, yes you, drop that dream that one day, a tinted Range Rover Evogue will park outside your house and remove your parents from penury. The truth O' Clock is the rich are marrying the rich and sleeping with the poor while that "Ultimate man" kinda guy is looking for some rich man's daughter to knock up and wife. Wake up and hustle now! Better be a priced possession than a sperm container. 

PEACE 🙏🙏🙏🙏

PT 1: Am I Not Attractive? Why Don't I have Chykers?

You know I'm on my office desk, facing my computer and wondering what in God's name put me up to this. I have gone over this over and over in the last three hours and the harder I try to convince myself to open a blank MS document and write what I am being paid to write, the more my heart keeps telling me someone needs to read this just to feel fine. 

I did share with my sister and my bestie that one of the hardest things I have ever had to live with is being a twin. It is my blessing but it remains my curse. This is because, she is my exact opposite. People are too quick to compare us making me feel  inadequate because I'd rather just let my head down, never wear makeup or else I have been poked, not a fan of matching colours and unconsciously walk with a determined "stay away" strut. 

Summary in effect is while my mates learnt how to perfect their eyebrows, shave their legs and walk with that feminine bounce, I was too busy making sure I defended my weakling sister ( who by the way now fights for me ) so much that I became the tom boy and defender of the universe. While my mates were learning the perfect products for face contouring, I was too busy dreaming of building my empire and perfecting my "no man can help me with my shit" policy. 

You know when shit got real? When everyone around me began talking about what this chyker got them and what the other one promised to get them. Something had to be wrong with me. Cars didn't stop to offer me  rides, guys didn't beg to take me for lunch or promise to fund my fun time. To make matters worse, my sister's leftovers kept telling me how they should have asked me out instead. No guy used DJ KHALED's voice to offer me money "to spend for no reason". I hated and still hate to beg so my broke states were usually so long lasting. Small secret, I even sometimes felt my mom was disappointed because I never had the chyker who would come to the house, offer  her money or buy her beautiful things. My twin was the star kid. Thankfully, we shared the same clothes so my cover was never blown. For the records, all of these stopped in 2016, my year of serious awakening and self realisation...

NOTE: I am taking the cue from my reader who feels my articles are too long. It feels so good to be back! 

BEAST OF NO NATION

How animal go know say
dem no born me as slave?
How animal go know say
slave trade don pass ?
And, dey wan dash us human rights
Animal must talk to human beings
Give dem human rights...
...Him say, "this uprising will bring out the beast in us"
THIS UPRISING WILL BRING OUT THE BEAST IN US...

   It did in Dallas and will continue if nothing is done urgently. I watched the heart wrenching videos of Aston Sterling and Philando Castile's murder by ANIMALS in government uniform and it dawned on me that nowhere is safe for the black man or his offspring. No, this is not about America but about the value placed on your life and mine just because of the colour of our skin. I must also add, the value we place on our  lives.

BEAST OF NO NATION

How animal go know say
dem no born me as slave?
How animal go know say
slave trade don pass ?
And, dey wan dash us human rights
Animal must talk to human beings
Give dem human rights...
...Him say, "this uprising will bring out the beast in us"
THIS UPRISING WILL BRING OUT THE BEAST IN US...

   It did in Dallas and will continue if nothing is done urgently. I watched the heart wrenching videos of Aston Sterling and Philando Castile's murder by ANIMALS in government uniform and it dawned on me that nowhere is safe for the black man or his offspring. No, this is not about America but about the value placed on your life and mine just because of the colour of our skin. I must also add, the value we place on our  lives.

VENETIAN SHORES

  I have never imagined what it feels like to be completely cut off from the outside world. I suppose being born in a bubbly town makes it hard for me to picture myself existing without basic amenities and contesting for survival with nothing but my might against the strong force of nature. I cannot envision the life but over 30,000 people have for many centuries and still do.

I MET A MAN...

  As I sat anticipating the near suffocating ride home from work, my eyes caught  a man who appeared to be walking slowly but determinedly to my Danfo. He held on tightly to a Bako bag that showed signs of painful resurrection. The man was shabbily dressed with dunlop slippers that looked like they had seen better days. Judging by the gray hairs all over his face and head plus the wrinkles of his skin, I had no doubt that the man would be about seventy to eighty. I couldn't get my eyes off the elderly man.

The Wedding Guest

  If you asked me one common feature of the Nigerian life, I would tell you with all authority that it is parties! Yes we love parties in Nigeria. You see that's the only way we can ease off the stress of hearing about our money that really isn't ours, paying for infrastructure that our unreachable money should have handled. You see, it's a show for giants in Nigeria so it's safe to say that parties are the comic relief in our tragedy!

MAMAZEUS SPEAKS: UNAPOLOGETICALLY CORRUPT !

  Diverse reactions have trailed Prime Minister, David Cameron’s should I say slip of tongue when he affectionately described Nigeria and Afghanistan as the two most corrupt countries in the world! Wow! Many have come out to condemn the claims not excluding the Federal Government who claim that the Prime Minister must have been looking at the old snapshot of Nigeria. Oh before I continue, I find that deliriously hilarious for many reasons that I might discuss if the spirit leads.

CHRONICLES OF A CLUELESS NIGERIAN : OPERATION CATCH A BOO!

  I understand I joke too much but what else can we do to survive these times of back breaking hardships? We have decided to accept our fate, fast (even if it is not our intention) and pray that God reduces the temperature of the sun, clears our heat rashes and of course rid us of hard-hearted leaders.

MAMAZEUS SPEAKS: LET'S BE FAIR FOR ONCE !

  I never listen and I know. From the amount of backlash I got from airing my views on president Buhari’s administration, one would expect that I'd  be reasonable enough to keep my mouth shut especially on sensitive issues. Crap! Someone must do the dirty work, I will if no one else will.

  I still cannot understand the rationale behind some Igbos clamoring for a republic of Biafra. Frankly,  these Biafra supporters are beginning to sound more than just a broken record, more like people with zero confidence in themselves. I was born with the notion that the Igbo tribe is filled with great men and women of valour, people who ensue peace and emanate a resilient spirit. I was made to believe that Igbos have the ability to snap back no matter the challenge passed at us. How else were we able to survive nearly three years of hunger and starvation if not thus?

  Today, I am worried as the people I know are a direct opposite of the people I was made to know. I see people who are in a hurry to encourage war instead of peace, spread vindictive propaganda just to reignite an ancient vendetta. I see people who hold on to grudges of "yester-years" so tightly that it has begun to affect the common sense of many. I see a people who have chosen to ignore rational judgement!

  I do not want to lose the direction of this post so I'd not express exactly how I feel about the movement that encourages the secession of Igbos for the dream of Biafra as that is a tale for another moonlight. Rather, I will relegate my energy to the recent attacks in Nimbo, a community in Enugu state by Fulani herdsmen.

  Naturally nobody should find such tragedy amusing. It beats my imagination that in 2016, such savagery is allowed to see the light of day. Again I ask, what gives these people the morale to perpetuate such evil? Do they perhaps feel themselves above the Law?

  My heart goes out to families who lost their loved ones in another security negligence. Some claim that the appropriate authorities were informed prior to the massacre but as usual, the authorities showed up after the deed had been done. For such attacks to be recurring so soon after the last simply shows that the relevant authorities were sleeping on duty as usual!

  Some weeks ago, news of attacks in Agatu community in Benue State filled the airwaves. These hoodlums torched houses, farms and killed scores, even chasing some from their homes.

  Well, while the people of Agatu suffered the cruelty of these savages, other Nigerians went about their businesses exactly like the men who passed by the injured man in the parable of the Good Samaritan. Everyone turned a blind eye till yesterday’s attack on the people of Nimbo. Suddenly Igbos are screaming foul from all corners claiming that Igbos are being killed by Hausas, bringing back the deeds of 1967.

  Truly this is becoming disgraceful.The dragging of an already dead and buried horse is only giving the impression that we as a tribe are a bunch of vindictive folks. Clearly this is a matter of national security and definitely not a genocide!

  I hate to point this out but this war some jobless Igbos are trying so hard to ignite would only fall on the heads of the innocent and gullible. Before you allow yourselves be convinced that this is a war that we will win, may I remind you that her Excellency Bianca Ojukwu  is an ambassador of the federal republic of Nigeria? Do I need to force you to have a good look at all the states in the eastern part of the country? Which one is developed enough to be called the pride of the east? Aba, Enugu, Umuahia, Onitsha?  

  We Igbos say that from the smell of the fart, we can tell the stench of the faeces. If leaders that we appointed are not able to set aside greed and work for their own states, what makes us certain that a messiah would be born after Biafra resurrects?

  I do not believe that the problem of Igbos is Nigeria, our forefathers also fought relentlessly for our bit so we have our share in this country. If we feel marginalized, we can all come together with one voice and yell foul. Okwa ha si na anyi nyukota mammiri onu, ogba ufufu? 

  Pause. For a second, ask yourself, is the Igbo man beside you ready to give up his money hunt for the sole purpose of liberation? Is he willing to refuse bribe and thus allowing another candidate that is not his choice win? Tell me is that Igbo man beside you willing to get the job done putting away all grudges? See, the problem is not Nigeria… Look at that man in the mirror!

Photo Credit : Twitter, www.lindaikejis.blog.com

WHERE WE ARE: DISSECTING BUHARI'S ADMINISTRATION

I had this post all mapped out last week, but I gathered that a successful writer must learn to be less sentimental ( saves one a lot of trouble and bias), I decided to let it bake a little at least to settle disturbed dust.

 Ehen, abeg, how una see last week, the week before last and even the one before that one? Una like am? Well, I didn’t and I have quite a lot to say about the very notorious fuel epidemic but before that, let me give you an overview of this post.

 I believe we all had our eyes and ears open sometime in 2015 when the now President, Muhammadu Buhari and his party members came heralding CHANGE! For the millions who believed, he promised a corrupt free nation, roads made with gold, constant power supply, an impeccable economy…ok, I think I have exaggerated but did he not promise free meals for primary school pupils, good roads? If I remember correctly, our now Presido promised change especially by wearing suit and sharing our very own high five with a little boy (I presumed that meant even the little children will enjoy his governance). One thing that still strikes me is he didn’t quite promise us frequent trips abroad. Somebody please remind me swiftly if he did as currently, all I hear and think about is the sound of my grumbling belle.

 This is 2016 and like the man above, many Nigerians feel that they have made another error in choosing Buhari. They have unanimously agreed that I should become their mouth piece and because I am another pissed off Nigerian, I have taken up their request with all pleasure. Now some of the reasons presented before my jury shall be listed below:

Fuel Scarcity

 We were promised change! We danced, screamed curses at the previous regime, we blamed Uncle Jona for the plagues that have befallen Nigeria since 1960 and opened our arms wide to receive the change that the BROOM promised. We definitely did not expect what Change brought. Oh yes we got change but our change spelt “bad to worse”. In fact, the present situation makes Jonathan’s administration seem so utopic.

 Nigerians spent hours in queues for fuel in January, March and even April (did it last so long with Jona?) and what do we get for our pains? Lai Mohammed apologizes to Nigerians, Kachukwu apologizes to Nigerians, this apologizes, that apologizes, everybody apologizes except the president (At least Jona was good at CONDEMNING).

The War against Corruption

 I was listening to Nigeria Info 99.3 on my way to work yesterday and like they knew the burden in my heart, one of the issues they discussed bothered on corruption and this administration’s fight against the infamous Nigerian STRONGHOLD. From their conversation, I came to the conclusion that this corruption fight seemed more like a personal vendetta. They claimed and I agree that most of the offenders are high ranking members of the past administration’s ruling party. Now have you noticed that no one, I mean no one has been convicted so far? One morning, we heard a certain High Chief was in prison, the next morning, we heard he was out and before we managed to rinse our mouths, letters of apology were broadcasted and replayed even more than paid ads. We also heard the said Chief made a quick good will visit to Aso Rock to see how the President was doing but of course behind camera ( don’t quote me oh). Now I am not against the fight against corruption oh, I only wish that the wool be pulled from our eyes and let the persecutions sorry, I mean to say prosecutions be made as transparent as possible. Let somebody asides Abacha return stolen money! In addition, can some of the very notorious APC thieves, sorry again, chieftains be indicted as well or have they suddenly become above the law?

Up NEPA!

 When I heard that Fashola was made minister for power, I rejoiced! I hoped like many like-mind Nigerians that Fashola would handle the power sector with the same ready to work attitude which he used to clear up Agege, Oshodi and Mushin. But then again, Change seems to have taken place as all I see is new headlines and new pictures of well furnished, properly lit offices but not enough power to charge my batteries and an increased tariff. Now that we do not have light (allow me say it the Nigerian way), or fuel to power on our generators, how on earth do we see you people plead with us to have more patience. Mind you we have been waiting since 1960!

Buy Nigerian Everything

 I have no problem with that as I don’t even have a choice. On a second thought, I need someone to satisfy my curious soul; does our president eat Abakiliki rice or any of its variants? Again since we are on the patronize Nigeria matter, can someone please tell me if any of Buhari’s children are in Ahmadu Bello University, University of Ibadan or the University of Nigeria, Nsukka? The other time, Buhari went to the United States for a supposed vacation but again, have our beautiful resorts lost the ability to relax nerves? Just asking oh before you all make me buy another Aba shoe that’d earn me seventy-seven years of yabbery. Please let us not even talk about how our budget disappeared and reappeared  bringing with it many controversies like who removed rail way project!Na wa o. 

  

 With the above, it is clear that the current administration has not achieved even seventy-five percent of its agenda. Now I stand by the need to support our leaders so this post is not about singing the song of doom but about letting you all know that the problem of Nigeria can no longer be solved by mere dress up and beautiful vocabulary.

 Now Buhari's praise singers have two favorite sentences “Buhari promised change but he is not a magician as change is a gradual process "and “Jonathan’s administration is the catalyst of all our problems”. Well I can agree with he not being a magician but is it not about time we had an honest politician? One who would say the truth especially during his campaigns? Is it acceptable or now a norm that politicians must lie during campaigns? I mean, Buhari has failed to fulfill even one third of the promises he made during campaign. Did he not promise so why can’t he deliver?

 

 Finally, are we not tired of everyone pulling the noose that has been tied around Jonathan’s neck ( Jonathan has become the archetypal scape goat whose sole purpose is to die for the sins of others)? This is definitely not Buhari’s first time in power so we expected more expertise and definitely not the baby steps of an amateur that has become the constant in this administration.You might call this slow and steady but I call it Snail and tortoise moves. For someone with an experienced profile, we expected that things should have been put in place by now. To our startling dismay, the presidency is more preoccupied with making international ties (I believe Baba is currently in China), and of course blaming the previous regime for its many failures. Anyone who knows his onions knows that a successful man does not waste his time blaming everybody but himself, rather, he directs his misjudgments inward. If he must blame previous regimes, then he should start with Obasanjo and his predecessors( oh I hear that Obasanjo described him as his Wife or described seeing him as seeing his wife behind closed doors. Biko choose one) which includes his humble self...see the irony?

 Now I don’t mean to be critical of Buhari’s administration but I don’t know how you want to explain to your hungry child that even the size of gala has reduced. When we voted for change, we didn’t expect magic but we sure didn’t expect the size of commodities to reduce and their price increase, we never expected to be plagued by darkness. Nigeria’s situation reminds me of the seven years of harvest and the seven years of lack in Egypt during the time of Joseph aka Jona. The years of harvest ---, the years of lack---, fill in the gap!



Photo Credit: Instablog