The Wedding Guest

  If you asked me one common feature of the Nigerian life, I would tell you with all authority that it is parties! Yes we love parties in Nigeria. You see that's the only way we can ease off the stress of hearing about our money that really isn't ours, paying for infrastructure that our unreachable money should have handled. You see, it's a show for giants in Nigeria so it's safe to say that parties are the comic relief in our tragedy!

  In Nigeria, we celebrate everything. From birthdays, baby dedication, house warming to car washing, weddings, thanksgivings, anniversaries and even burials! Don't look shocked, we have grand parties complete with aso ebi for burials.

  My favorite of all has to be weddings and for obvious reasons but I'd tell it either way.I attend weddings specifically for the Jollof rice! Yes, I repeat for the Jollof. Truly, weddings piss me off as I have come to learn that most of the expressions displayed are sort of doctored. Why must all brides blush and sixty percent cry at the altar? I have tried but I also can not get over the hypocrisy. Sister we know you have served your cookie to onety- one brothers so why do you have that silly veil on like you are some Hebrew bride?  Brothers, you really ain't looking at her with love in your cold eyes,why else do you have those shades on?  You are probably thinking about how much that blasted gown cost and how much you owe everybody so here is your chill pill.

  Basically, if I am buying your aso ebi that I might never ever wear again, fixing my nails and buying jewellery, it is important you know I'm not coming to celebrate with you but to celebrate my digestive system. When I'm grinning and jumping up and down like a bush monkey, I am not excited for you and your new status, it is because I can't wait to settle down with my plate of Jollof rice.

  

  At this juncture let's make it clear so that I won't be obligated to sit on your cake . I will beg you for your own good to never ever insult my integrity by doing the following :

  On top of my list is  giving me one meat at your wedding. That is a crime in the holy book of criminal actions punishable by anything I find excruciatingly painful. Oh, do not think I won't notice from the tray so tell the attendant before hand, If it's one meat,  don't look my caked face way else...

  Oh never ask for my number, try to woe me or ask to take a picture of me especially when I have my Jollof right before me. You see, I haven't come to be merry, in search of a Mr Right  or to take hard copy pictures that will cost me more money.I am here only to get my lunch served and digested.

  Lastly, I hate the idea of giving me half fried rice and half Jollof. Whoever thought of that combination should be excavated and pissed on! If that's not clear enough then let me spell, DO NOT SERVE me black and white. You see, If you follow my commandments then I promise you that this wedding guest will be of perfect behavior!

  Finally, brides and grooms, don't think I won't hurt you if I don't get my money's worth. This is my James Bond face and I will literally beat you to Stupor!  

Photo Credit: Wedding Digest