DANFO DIARY : SOMEBODY CALL EMERGENCY, I CAN'T FIND MY BOOTY !

As I write this, I am close to tears not because the woman who just sold lunch to me refused to add enough stew, stating emphatically that the price of tomato has increased but because I cannot seem to find any more buttocks to fit into my jeans. 

Everyone who knows me understands my unending struggle with my Chinese butt. You all know how squats did me a little good but that was till my DANFO rides started taking its toll on my precious BUMPER. I have nothing but love for my sole means of transportation but shey na like this we go dey dey ?

One inevitable phenomenon of riding the DANFO way is the inability to own any part of your body for the hours and if God chooses to show some love, minutes it takes for you to get to your destination. I hardly mind the next passenger spreading his legs like he is claiming some kind of territory but what gets me livid is the style adopted by perverts who walk the roads of Lagos . You see, this sect understand the greedy need for DANFO drivers to gather a large number of passengers and pack them like Titus Sardines, so they make good use of it. These caucus of evil spirits sit behind every unsuspecting female with enough booty to cushion their knees and make sure it stays that way throughout the ride.

I might forgo the part that any part of my body does a total male stranger a great service; especially one unendorsed by my currently irate self but what I cannot be consoled for is the fact that I checked my mirror this morning hoping to see some cheeks and to my horror, my jeans sagged at the bottom area. Apparently, where some flesh used to reside had gone on vacation.

Undoubtedly, my mood was all the way green as I took my DANFO ride to work this morning . As I sat troubling my spirits, contemplating the choice of trending butt lifters, booty implants, cream or injections , a man jumped into the DANFO and shoved me out of my reverie. From first eye contact, I knew his plan and where he was headed. I was not wrong as he went to seat directly behind me ignoring other very available seats.  He did not wait to take two breaths before planting his knees on the two cheeks that I have spent over three paragraphs complaining  tirelessly about. 

 Instantly, I saw a bolt unscrew itself from my head. I heard it clank as it reached the floor of the bus. I turned slowly, eyes bulging , tear-filled and mouth agape, ready to unleash the black mamba behind my chirped tooth. I definitely startled him because he started to stutter an apology " I am sorry, madam" he sputtered. For some seconds, I maintained my intimidating glare just to implant my displeasure deep in his skull then I knew I had to make a final comment so I sneered  " SORRY FOR YOURSELF MUMU " !  

SEE ME SEE TROUBLE OH !