DANFO DIARY : Catching The Personality Thief !

I love rainy season which is one reason I have not complained bitterly about how this nasty bout of daily rain has ruined my plans, style and made me lose extra pounds. Rain is  a pleasant occurrence only if you are in your bedroom snuggled within the duvet kingdom, relating with your pillow and  imagining it to be a member of the opposite sex. 

 

If you are unfortunately headed to work or some other place Lagosians like to fill up the roads for on a rainy day, I hope you understand that you are damned! The traffic becomes unbearable and the price of transportation doubles. Of course with the scarcity of Danfos and the multitudes piling up at the bus stops, pushing and dragging is the only way to get a comfortable seat in any available Danfo.

What a day, I said to myself.  I managed to get into a bus finally for double the price to my destination and not just any seat, the most coveted seat in a Danfo! 

As I settled in still savouring the taste of my victory, I remembered the steaming nylon of Puff-Puff  I had purchased on my way to the bus stop. Life seemed so perfect! My utopic moment was however cut short by an image that clouded my eyesight. I turned and saw him  hanging by my side of the door.

He was too nicely dressed to be one of these hooligans that parade Iyana-Ipaja and enough for me  not yell at. Just because I found him responsibly looking did not mean I was going to share my rare smile so I maintained my straight face whilst chewing my Puff-Puff ever so sexily. 

Like you already deduced, Mr Man wanted to rap about how much my beauty blinded him. In his twisted mind, the brother was actually chyking me. All I noticed was his struggling corrupted accent (a blend of Igbo and one of these confused American/British accent). Just when I thought I could no longer stand his jibber-jabber, the bus driver jumped in and the engine roared to life! As a sharp guy, my Nwanna quickly pulled out his designerless wallet and dragged out a complimentary card. He made me promise to give him a call but immediately he turned, I squeezed the crap and threw it out the window, feeling sorry for Lagos state roadside cleaners. 

Fast forward to today and I am at the bus stop where I met the annoying gentleman. I kid you not when I say that I had not stood for ten minutes before someone whistled in that disgusting Igbotic manner.  "Fine baby, wosupu" he said and I turned ready to give him my Karashika certified glare but what or who I saw dried every venom from my face and mouth.

 Uncle was standing all so impeccably dressed but this time with some shabbily dressed men, obviously transport company salesmen. It took some time for me to hear what he was saying to me and when I finally did, I nearly toppled over with laughter." Sister, na Sapele you dey go or Warri, Port Harcourt"?

Thankfully, my Danfo ride came so I gave him one last stare but with a huge grin and said " Nna ahia oma !"

DANFO DIARY: BY POPULAR DEMAND

The engine finally groaned to life after four able-bodied Agberos had pushed back and forth for some minutes. I was fast losing my cool. When will DANFO drivers learn to properly service their buses and fuel before picking up unsuspecting passengers? The man beside me began to complain a little too loudly in a manner that seemed like he was talking to himself but by the tone of his voice, he was clearly looking for contributors. He was on about the decadence of today's generation and how the Buhari  led government is the sole cause of whoring men, weed smoking youth, and irresponsible DANFO drivers. I honoured him with some seconds of my signature disrespectful eyeballing. Mamazeus has got no time for that, she was too hungry biko. To make matters worse, the woman by my right made no attempt to control her little girl who found my newly braided hair fascinating and would not stop tugging . I was seconds away from baring my teeth at the kiddo but nooo, hold in your demons, I told myself .

Fifteen minutes into the very uncomfortable journey, the worst happened. A middle aged man stood up from his seat, cleared his throat and started off his obviously well rehearsed speech: 

"My brothers and sisters, I greet you all in the name of the father, son and holy spirit.

my name is Doctor Chima Saint Andrews and I have bring here today the medicine that is on popular demand.
This medicine have cure one million sickness including jedi-jedi, pile , HIV and even cancer.


All wetin you need is to mix it with honey, Kaikai or the one dem dey call Alomo bitters. When you don mix am finish, you go drink one bottle and you go shit all the dirty for your belle.


As you see me so, I no fit lie. I am a doctor for over thirty-five years and I don cure plenty person from different sickness dem. I dey cure even low sperm count, vaginal discharge and other sex collected sickness dem. But make I warn una, pregnant woman no dey drink this medicine 
oh 

This medicine na Omega 360 and na 500 naira I dey sell am but because of say I carry church mind enter this bus, I go sell am 300 naira. Even if you get 200, I fit still find dash you. Na Christmas I dey do for una oh  "!


I also get...

The man went on about the different drugs he had for sale and I sat, staring at him asking what the hell I was seeing. Anyone foolish enough to buy the  tiny bottles of concoction was either having suicidal thoughts or truly bonkers.  I wanted to laugh out loud at how stupid he sounded but I held my tongue in check, let him give us an amazing show then sit down with his vials of poison.

I turned out to be the foolish one as to my utter amazement, people started ordering for his OMEGA rubbish. The anti-Buhari enthusiast beside me fell hard for it. Looking like one who had just seen a ray of light in the darkness that beclouded this generation and not wanting the magical drug to pass him by, he nearly jumped off the seat to grab a bottle that was being passed to an obese woman behind our row. When he was certain he had claimed the vial, he asked the drug dealer if the drug could by any chance work for diabetes and of course the magical drug could take away all types of diabetes in five days ! 

I felt like a Nollywood ghost. I was there but I could not call the man out for stealing from the clearly hypnotised  passengers. The fact that not one person was immune to the drama except my humble self that is, still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

After selling every drop of his magical concoction, he yelled excitedly  " Anthony Wa oh". I heard the Mountain of Fire prayer point sound track on speakers in my head. It was yelling my favourite part , " What are you waiting forrrrrr". "You have to stop this man before he gets away", I told myself or at least give my unrequested  lecture on how one drug cannot solve all of humanity's ailments... I tried to open my mouth but then I realized my stomach had not been stuffed with my compulsory Puff Puff dose ( Doctor's prescription)  so I sat back and continued to get high on exhaust fumes. Let it be said that I warned them, even if it never came out. 

 ** Singing**   ''PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME, AND I WON'T JUDGE YOU...''