LET'S RUB MINDS: CAN I TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME II?

  Happy new week guys, from my end, its a beautiful Monday morning. Over the weekend, I did some interviews for the LET'S RUB MINDS series so hopefully, we would have more stories rolling in. Today's post is a continuation of Regina's story.Like I said in the introductory post, this project is aimed at reaching out out to people who have had similar experiences, giving an avenue for people to share their darkest experiences anonymously and to teach indelible life lessons. Enjoy!

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    As you all have guessed, we had sex.The next morning, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and couldn’t stand the sight of my blood all over the sheets. I felt just how Adam and Eve felt after eating the forbidden fruit.

   Well, I thought to myself, the deed had already been done so I tried to console myself with the fact that I loved Charles. Church wasn’t an option as I couldn’t stand my conscience and God definitely wasn’t as I felt so dirty and unworthy. During my weeks of recluse, I expected Charles to be my solace but to my surprise, he wasn’t calling as regularly as he used to. He suddenly had too much work load and always promised to call back but never did. I sure didn’t get a proposal or a sex buddy either.

   At this point, I was beyond hurt. Thoughts ran in my end endlessly. I barely ate, and was always deep in thought. Could it be that all the moments of affection was just a ruse to him? Was something wrong with me? Perhaps, I wasn’t good enough for Mr Handsome after all. I was dejected. To make matters worse ,something had gone terribly wrong.

  It was well over two weeks and my period hadn’t showed up. It was strange because my period was  always right on time. I knew I would die if I was pondering what you are pondering right now but I had to face my fears so I bought a pregnancy kit with my heart in my mouth.

    “I’m dreaming” was all I could say to myself. This had to be a nightmare! Sister Regina, head of Outreach, choir coordinator and madam over spirikoko. How can I be unmarried and pregnant? There had to be a way to cover my shame. Now, I only had Christian friends so how could I get help with terminating? All the while, I tried to get Charles in on the situation but as usual he seemed too busy. When I finally screamed my predicament at him, he promised to take me to a professional abortionist and sort out the bills. I was stunned. How could a man profess so much love with the same mouth and in a matter of weeks, he wasn’t so sure he was ready to be a father?

   In desperation, I followed him to see a doctor. Something didn't feel right but I couldn't care less. All I wanted was to get rid of my shame. I would not want to relate the gory details of that event but I’d just say I felt like a spear had been shoved through my heart and body. I played a part in the death of an innocent life.Not just any life but the life of my own child.

    I couldn’t believe how far down the road of righteousness I had derailed. Down there, I couldn’t bring myself to face the almighty. My friends tried to figure out why I had gone missing in action. Some prodded me to join the family of God no matter what the issue was (At least I can say that I have good friends). Either way, I refused to take any kind of encouragement. I needed to get rid of my sign of shame as fast as possible so I took on the “too busy “act to distract them. Every night, I cried my heart out and soon started playing with thoughts of suicide.

  Just when I thought I could finally start licking my wounds, another tragedy struck. The bleeding wouldn’t stop. I tried to check online on what the problem might likely be. I read one article that really freaked me out so I ran off to a hospital to have a checkup. I died ten times when the results came out.

    All that happened in 2002. Its 2016, I’m single and I'm not in my twenties. It’s largely my fault as I can’t help but imagine that every guy is a monster. I hate white and I don’t have a womb! I can’t take solace in the fact that if I don’t get a man, I can get a child. All I do now is dedicate all my hours to work. I’m relatively comfortable but I hate to sleep because I don’t want to imagine how my life would have been if I hadn’t fallen for Charles and his façade. Most of my money goes to charity and church. I guess I would probably adopt a child but my mind is not in that mother place right now. I wish I could turn the hands of time so I’d change my choices. At least I’d be a single mother and not a lonely old lady.

   My mother doesn’t make my life any easier. Although I confessed to my pastor, I haven’t gotten around coming clean with her. She practically makes my living hours hell. Constantly she’s trying to match make me with her friend’s son or her colleague’s nephew or cousin. These guys are good but I can’t ever tell them that being with me is being with damaged goods. To avoid telling the truth, I make sure never to act appropriately. My mother is persistent so much that I believe she has taken on a full time job in finding her only daughter a suitable boo.

   Mamazeus, that’s my story. I do wish people can read this and learn one or two things. I’d advice, never compromise on your godly principles. Better to disappoint man than disappoint God. It’s hard and might seem more easier said than done but take my story and make it yours. I did find my way back to God so if you are in that place, it’s not too late for you to make that U-turn. Remain blessed!

                                                                                                                                                      -Regina

  Many words can fill a page but few words remain in our memories. When I read this mail, I practically fixed myself in her shoes. I love children so much and I can’t imagine if I by my own hands, deny myself the opportunity to bring my own babies to life. I know Charles wherever he is would be married with kids but that’s just not fair (life isn’t).  I’ve known this for a while but this story kind of reminds me of the fact that you can never put another human’s interest above your own interest. If it goes against your principles, then never allow it. I don’t mean that you should be selfish but when it comes to something that controls your happiness, then please never compromise.  I hope you guys feel as emotional as I felt after reading her message. Hopefully, I’d get more mails to share. Happy week guys!