I have a Confession...

Hello lovelies, this is me wishing you guys the happiest November ever! Luckily, I did not miss Sunday's church service which I must admit was the best service in my history. I got so inspired that I have decided to cast away all the  sorrows of October and let the peace of God control my November. Besides, December is my birth month, I can't afford to ruin my twenty...Amebos.

  Today, I have a Confession. I have been pretending for years but today, I bare my heart, body and soul. My aim is definitely to ease the tension of your day. Feel free to thank me later! I unveil...Ghen Ghen Ghen Ghee...my weight palaver.

  Before now, my weight didn't deserve so much as my attention ( definitely why I got this fat). Some things are not just worthy of my attention. I couldn't care less about  my bra size, shoes size, make up or designer blah and blah. Just in case potential papa Zeus is reading this , take note.

   Now, am I the only one who has noticed that Nigerians have the worst manners despite some claiming to be the most courteous? Please where on earth is it acceptable to greet someone by saying "Arrh you don turn orobo oh ".Just yesterday, I was minding my own business when a man walked up to me and said "Sister, is madam your mother " ?  In my innocence I affirmed for him to burst out "Arrh you will try and look like her oh because, you are bulky" ( If you must know, my mom has a banging figure) . He didn't stop there, he added that my husband would definitely cheat on me if I do not endeavour to be just like my mom. I get his enthusiasm and all but that man committed a crime punishable by testicles smashing .Bulky? Bulky! Who says that? It's not even morally right. Orobo makes me feel healthy but bulky is just all shades of annoying.  About men cheating, since when did being skinny guarantee a man's fidelity?

    Any ways, my weight was not my problem till Mr Bulky and every other neighbour that knew my before image started with their embarrassment.  All of a sudden, my jeans didn't seem to fit and I noticed this particular protruding stuff whenever I tried to sit down. At first I could hide it with my hands but by 2015, I needed to accept my worst enemy- hand bags ( at the rate I'm going, I pray I find a beautiful size ten fairy tale dress for my big day,else I'd be doomed. Don't ask why ).

    Next, I do appreciate the fact that sometimes people want to be friendly( like Uncle Bulky)  but truly,as you might have noticed, I am such a sensitive pie ! Every single time I hear the "fat greeting", I get depressed for at least two days. During my days of depression, I practically starve myself then on the third day, I walk down to Iya Sewa's multi-available store and order Agege bread and Fanta (50cl) for all my heartache. Ok, I get that you are looking out for me but honestly, I'm just not built to turn the other cheek when I see food. It's not my fault, food is so seductive. 

    Seriously guys, didn't God say we are fearfully and wonderfully made? He even added that he made us in his image. Obviously, God doesn't mind a little round tummy, hips, bum, so why the paracetamol for my marra? Besides, if you can't stand the curves, skinny girls are plenty ( If you think I'm lying, check how many models and beauty queens we have in this country alone).

    I have not quite exhausted my hand bag story. I went for an interview last week which I'd tell you guys about in my subsequent post. Something important to our current gist happened at the interview. I wore my bespoke blazer ( I hope you can recognise the truth when you see it) to the interview. Blazers need to be worn with an inner top that should be form fitting (that is if u intend to make an appropriate fashion statement ). Anyways, I foolishly agreed to follow that rule. I didn't realise my folly till I walked into the MD's office and I was stunned to find two young and "good looking" men. It struck me that the stuff I mentioned earlier ( you are right, the protruding one) would certainly show its burger-like self so as a sharp babe, I smiled my killer smile and dumped one of the etiquette of job interviews- drop your bag on the floor and never clutch it. Guys, I clutched my bag, tight! I convinced myself that they would assume I was trying to hide my nerves. In all honesty, I was smiling that goofy smile and hiding my obnoxious extra flesh,hoping and praying that they don't notice the silly thing.

      At this point, I am fed up. I have decided to actually do something about my weight. I will and I must! Well, that was what I said last year and the year before that. 

     Finally, I have come to the end of my confessions. Please and please, I don't need advice on how to shed weight .I have started skipping ; one hundred skips once every two weeks or more and sit ups like twice every month. Don't think I don't watch what I eat, I do it religiously . Mama Sekodun's rice two hundred naira, beans fifty naira and one egg complete with malt to ease the journey is nothing short of healthy . It would be sly on my part to ignore the fact that I can't lose weight without my chocolates and Oreo. I am watching my weight please, stop advising me.